Tracing Letters

If I wake up one morning sneezing, I can load up on drugs and chicken noodle soup and see the runny nose and coughing subside in time. That doesn’t mean I’ve found a cure for the common cold. In the same way, if I have an addiction to alcohol, I can set up boundaries and never have another drink again, but that doesn’t mean I’ve resolved any of the issues that drove me to drink in the first place. Bad physical habits are hard enough to break; even more difficult is correcting destructive ways of thinking and feeling.

Anyone who has known me for more than about ten minutes knows that I function in a mindset of self-deprecation. My natural impulse is to tear myself down. If someone hurts me or criticizes me, I automatically accept the blame for the situation. If I find myself in a place of conflict, I pile all the responsibility on myself so that I might not have reason to dislike or resent the other person. I am an expert at accepting the greatest harms that have been done to me and then twisting them so that they are all my fault. Of course this has built into me a very heavily ingrained sense of worthlessness—I have nothing to offer the world, and my existence just doesn’t matter. This mindset shows up in the way I talk (I don’t), in the way I carry myself, and in my sense of humor.

I know full well that Scripture contradicts this point of view. Psalm 139 is one of my favorite passages in the Bible, and Jeremiah 29:11 remains the single verse that has most impacted my life. My favorite character in the Bible is Gideon, the man God used to lead Israel despite his constant protests that he wasn’t good enough. Yet I have always struggled with recognizing the value that is inherent in me as a son of God.

It has taken me many years just to reach a point where I am aware of this problem in me, and to grow into a functional understanding of God’s character. Only now am I beginning to accept that maybe God loves me without condition and without qualifiers. Only now am I grasping in my head the liberating truth of God’s grace, that it is His hand placed upon our lives to help us do the things we are called to do but are thoroughly incapable of doing (like recognizing our own value). Only now am I starting to realize that I don’t need to be ashamed of myself, and that I can be a little bit more assertive and it won’t matter what people think.

Essentially, I’ve recognized the problem and I’ve begun to see the solution. But how do I transfer this new knowledge from my head to my heart? How to I plant this seed of truth in my soul and have it take root? How do I make this way of thinking a good habit to replace the bad habits that still reign quite solidly in my head and my heart?

I know a girl who taught herself Korean. It’s a difficult language to learn, for sure, but especially in a place like Nashville, where absolutely no one else speaks it. But she worked at it every day. She immersed herself in every bit of Korean culture she could find, seeking out a Korean church community in the area and watching Korean television online. She dedicated herself to grasping the grammar and composition of the Korean language, which is designed completely differently from English. She memorized characters and vocabulary and expressions, and she worked to develop her accent. Then one day, after living and breathing Korean for well over a year at the very least, something clicked in her mind. She just realized suddenly one morning in Korean church that she no longer had to translate to herself. No longer did she have to ponder the Korean words and figure out what the English translation was; now she was actually truly listening and thinking in Korean. Now she could just enjoy the sermon without having to utilize a good chunk of her brainpower just translating. She could watch Korean television without having to actively translate to English before comprehending the dialogue. She just understood Korean without English coming into play.

I’m starting to think that it’s the same with developing healthy thought patterns. I’m a native speaker of Deception, and I’m trying to learn the language of Truth. And right now I’m just learning the vocabulary of Truth. I’m just learning how sentences are formed. I’m tracing out the new letters on lined paper, the same letter over and over a thousand times. And I’m constantly translating in my mind. When I find myself thinking, ‘Dan, you pretty much suck at life’, I have to “translate” that very intentionally to what I now know to be true. I have to catch myself in the act, and actively say, ‘Dan, it’s okay if you suck at life, because it’s no longer in your hands. You’ve given it over to God, and He’s promised that He has a plan and purpose for your life. He doesn’t suck at life…’.

I’m just waiting for that day when, like that friend who learned Korean, it just clicks in my mind. That day when no longer must I expend the energy to translate everything, and instead just know. That day when I can think and feel and speak the language of Truth naturally and with confidence, and when I just know who I truly am in Christ and can live it out honestly.

That day is coming.