Endings

Endings are frightening for many people. There is no mystery as to why this is so. Endings mean upheaval. Endings mean a loss of constants and comfort zones. Endings bring stress, in part because one often fears that the ending won't lead into a new beginning, and he'll be left with nothing.

For me, however, endings are consistently a source of hope, because I do believe that God is faithful. Knowing high school would end at a guaranteed time kept me from doing anything rash to myself. Having college graduation in my sights filled me with a sense of anticipation for what God might have for me in the "real world." When I worked for Publix, I annually switched stores or departments as a way of reminding myself that the grocery store was only a means of paying my bills at the time, and not a life sentence imposed upon me. This too shall pass, I told myself with each change.

Once school was over, however, I had to get used to the idea of quick endings. I could see graduations coming from the very start. It was easy to have hope, and to make plans for the new beginnings. Now, it's not like that. I have to maintain and nurture hope even when there is nothing visible to hope for.

I spent four years at Publix working full time. Constantly I begged God to let me quit as a leap of faith, even though I hadn't found other work. And always He told me to wait just a little longer. "Be faithful in the little things, Dan. Be faithful in the little things. And if I asked you to spend your entire life behind this deli counter selling fried chicken and sandwiches, would you do it?" I would grudgingly concede the point and press on through with no hope of an ending anywhere in sight.

And so, after four years of this, I found myself in the bakery airbrushing hot pink princess cakes and squirting whipped-topping borders on key lime pies till I wanted to scream. I had a manager who appreciated nothing that I did and directed all her favor to one of the laziest coworkers I've ever had the displeasure of working with. I was burnt out beyond recognition, and I was constantly made to feel worthless even as I was consistently amazing customers with the cakes I made for them. I'm sure my output did begin to suffer from it all, only providing more fuel for my manager and her minion. And then one day God quietly said I was permitted to go. With a sense of relief, I told the store manager I was retiring from Publix in two months (I'd made a wedding cake commitment to a customer for that time) and I wanted a transfer to another store for that remaining period. So within a week I found myself at another store working for managers who genuinely appreciated what I had to offer and who admitted their sincere regret that I was leaving. And within two months, that chapter in my life was ended completely.

Two months. That was a quick ending compared to what I'd had in the past. Within two months I'd gone from a hopeless place of stagnation to having a much-sought ending to it all.

Then came three months of unemployment. My savings dwindled as I continued to pay bills without an income. Then came October, and I saw that I didn't have the money to pay November's rent. There was no ending in sight, and I was losing hope.

Then on a Sunday, Adam Riggs tells me I should apply at his workplace, United Record Pressing. On Monday I do. On Tuesday morning I wake up to a phone call offering a job interview at 10 a.m. that day, and at 2:30 that afternoon I start work. An ending. Hope. In under forty-eight hours.

So here I am again, in a place of restlessness. I feel like the winds may be shifting direction a little. Maybe that's because I just had my one-year-at-URP anniversary this past week, and I've never gone much longer than a year at a job without changing something significant about it. But for the most part I'm relatively content with my job. No, I feel like it's something else about to change. Something's going to end before long--but in a good way, I think. There's something stirring, and I can't put my finger on it. But I feel like there's a fault line in me that's steadily been building pressure. I feel like I'm inching over the crest of a roller coaster, and the potential energy accumulating in me is ever growing.

Again, I don't know anything more than that. I'm not one of those people that God talks to often in specific ways. But I can sense it in my gut, and I know now from experience that often God likes to spring these things on me suddenly.

Some fathers like to plan out elaborate birthday parties for their children, something that builds a sense of anticipation and excitement. I think my Father is more the type to make me think that I won't be having a party at all for my birthday, then pulls off a massive surprise party where I least expect it. I'm not sure which type I'd rather have, but the fact that I have a Father who loves me unconditionally is enough for me to have hope for any and every ending.